This was a day of thoughts. i think so much lately, its almost like sporting now. i'm thinking about life and how i want my life to be. i have so many dreams and goals but i'm still so young and i don't see things clear and how i can reach it. my main thoughts are -how else can it be- about the love of my life... the situation has escalated so much that i fear the outcome. i'm already imagining life without her!! its not even that i want it to be like that, but i'm afraid its slipping out of my hands. every time i talk to her, i'm just getting destructive and so is she. and we are both too proud to be mature and take the upper hand of the situation. i didn't call her for many days and everyday that i don't call her, i feel sick to my stomach. i want nothing more than to just listen to that beautiful voice (she really has a nice, nasal voice and when we talk i even get horny :P). i love to listen to her and to look at her, but in the same time she hates me for what i did... God knows -and i don't even believe in the holy man/woman) that she is the most valuable girl to me and she really is my favorite person of all! i know this girl as a sweet angel, but lately i have seen a side of her that makes me be afraid to show myself to her. its the kind of girl who would climb mountains just to make you happy, the kind of girl who would cross oceans just to make you smile, but its also the kind of girl that will drop you like a meaningless brick... its so overwhelming that i cant think straight.
I can go on and on about this girl and i can say for a fact that she is my other half. i know that she feels the same about me, but she reminds me time after time that i have to keep impressing her. she makes me be aware of the fact that all those good things about her, can also be to someone else, if i don't take care of her... now comes the twist... i'm very proud and stubborn and i'm pushing my buttons with this girl... its so childish of me and totally not mature, but yet i get 'pushed' in this defensive mode, while i don't even wanna be there...
And its not even that i don't know what to do, its just that i want her to 'appreciate' every little thing what i do (i'm very result-driven and if i don't see any result -even when in fact it is there- than i get angry, like a small child who doesn't get what he wants immediately). for example, already 5 times by now, i sent her flowers via the post. i don't wanna go into details, but my wallet got hurt during the transaction ;) already after this, i expected her to naively fall in love all over again and she would be floating on the clouds. hahaha if only things were that easy ;) just a flower and a drink ;) besides that, one of my mayor character flaws is my lack of patience. so she is really putting me to the test.
she knows that there is nothing that i wouldn't do for her, its just that i want us to already be at the point that i have in my mind. for example now, i have to wait 3 weeks before i can see her, because she goes to fucking India. i mean, i know that she wants to see the magical Sai Baba, but doesn't she wants to experience some of my own Indian tantra magic? :P and of course she wants to see the Taj Mahal, but i wanna see her Taj Mahal (A). if only i could see her one day and one night in a row, i could really establish something. even such a 'normal thing' (between a couple) is so difficult because of the (long-distance)situation and her living with her parents -who happen to hate me-.
Maybe i shouldn't be so stubborn and spoiled and just make her see that i can be her prince on a white horse, but in this case it would be a old, Grey donkey... my white horse is just waiting to jump, but she wants me to fly with an old Grey donkey.
sounds impossible? > I'm possible.
To be continued...