The professional
- How to spot her: Hello, she's a hooker! Even if she's not wearing some crotch-baring dress, fishnets, and a ratty fur like the shady ladies on street corners, she's going to come find you anyway.
- Where to find her: Internet escort sites, the dirty ads in the back of your alternative weekly, fancy hotel lobbies, brothels, the red light district. Seriously, if you're looking to hire a hooker and can't find one, there is something seriously wrong with you.
- Pluses: you get what you want, when you want, and just how you want it – all you have to do is pay.
- Minuses: Deep down inside, no matter how nice she is and how great the sex is, you'll always know it was purchased. Then you will cry.
- How to land her: Work hard, save your money, make a phone call. For the first time in your life you don't even have to pretend this is about her enjoyment at all.
- Exit strategy: “Your money's on the dresser.”
The model
- How to spot her: Always the easiest to find in any crowded room, she will be the tallest, skinniest, and most alienesque creature. There will be a decidedly bored look etched on her face and most likely a flute of free champagne in her hand.
- Where to find her: She's always at the hottest clubs, the fiercest parties, the chicest eateries, and, of course, fashion events. She'll be the one waiting for the ladies room to go, ahem, powder her nose.
- Pluses: What guy on the planet doesn't want to tell his mates, “I fucked a model last night!”
- Minuses: They can be very difficult to score because the demand far outweighs the supply (but doesn't everything outweigh a model?)
- How to land her: It's not going to be easy, but it's usually worth the effort. The model typically likes a man who is either especially cool (like a rocker) or especially rich (like every guy that's not you). You need to be or pretend to be either one of these.
- Exit strategy: Either “Thanks love, but my band's got a gig in Berlin tonight,” or “That was amazing, but I have to be ready to go when the markets open, so I gotta jet.”
The third-wave feminist
- How to spot her: Because this is more about a mindset that an actual type of girl, they're hard to pick out at the bar unless you actually talk to them, but once you're into a conversation and the girl drops the term “sex-positive”, you know you've got a live one. These are the girls that think that being sexual is a natural part of life and should be encouraged. Their way of sticking it to the man is by letting a man stick it to them.
- Where to find her: The halls of academia seem littered with them, but they're also the girls who go alone to strip clubs and swingers parties.
- Pluses: She pretty much thinks that having sex with as many people as possible is a philosophical imperative.
- Minuses: You will be going down on her. And you will be getting her off. Neither of those is necessarily a minus, but just know that you're going to be working harder in bed than you will be getting her there. Also, she might tie you up. Again, not necessarily a minus.
- How to land her: Just lay back and let her be in charge. She's going to be very leery of the patriarchy trying to oppress her and any male/female power dynamics, so just let her have all the power. You're going to get what you want by letting her get what she wants. Enjoy.
- Exit strategy: “This has been a wonderful moment, but I think we have way too much sexual energy to share with the world to keep wasting it on each other.”
The party girl
- How to spot her: If the short skirt and the tight top don't clue you in, the perpetual swaying, slurred words, and frequent “whoo-hoos” like she's living in a perpetual bachelorette party should. Any female who goes up to a bartender and shouts “Shots!” definitely falls into this category.
- Where to find her: Bars (of course), house parties, clubs, raves, universities, beach resorts with package vacations, Mardi Gras, or any other opportunity to show her titties in public with impunity. If there's a mechanical bull around, she'll be on it.
- Pluses: She'll buy all her own drinks and work herself into a stupor. All you have to do is show up when she's horny enough to take someone home.
- Minuses: The problem isn't that she probably has herpes, it's that she definitely does.
- How to land her: The party girl makes a hobby out of getting shit-faced and picking up guys at bars. It is this behavior that defines her as a woman, so you just have to show up and be next to her when she's handing out invitations. Oh, and don't try to keep up with her alcohol-wise, because if you do, your equipment won't be in working order when you get back to her place, and you don't want to deal with a party girl when she's faced with an erectile dysfunction.
- Exit strategy: Just try not to wake her when you skulk out in the morning.
The tough girl
- How to spot her: When a curvy girl with large hoop earrings, an inappropriately tight outfit, aggressive sexuality, and chewing gum comes over and inspects you, then it's a tough girl.
- Where to find her: The less fine nightclubs, hip-hop shows, urban neighborhoods, anywhere where lads hang out. But this ravenous creature will certainly find you, and when she does, she's going in for the kill.
- Pluses: It feels nice to be treated like a piece of meat every now and again, right gents? And if you like it rough, then step on board.
- Minuses: This is all about her getting off, and once she does your balls will be bluer than Cookie Monster's fur coat.
- How to land her: Just say yes.
- Exit strategy: “What, you're going to kick me out, just like that?”
The good girl
- How to spot her: She'll be the one in the corner wearing the blouse that's just a little too blousy or the twinset that has just one too many buttons fastened. This is the girl who has always done what her parents told her, turned in her homework on time, and never stole a tube of lipstick from a drugstore. A pearl necklace is a dead giveaway. No, not that kind.
- Where to find her: Charity dinners, church mixers, working late at the office, sitting at the head of the class, alone in line for a romantic comedy, or serving as a bridesmaid (never the bride).
- Pluses: Waiting deep down in the crevasses of every good girl is one or two really wild and dirty nights. She is basically a bottle of champagne that's been shaken vigorously her whole life, so once you pop that cork, get ready for fireworks.
- Minuses: That cork is on there really tight, so it's going to take some prying. Also, if she's the kind of girl who has been saving it up for marriage, you might be forced into paying for that cork with a diamond ring.
- How to land her: Start by being caring, kind, and compassionate. Show her that you are really listening to what she has to say (for a change) and care about the same things she does. Once you've lured her in, let her know how attractive she is. She never hears that. Then say the raunchiest thing that comes to mind. If you don't get slapped in the face, she'll be running for the exit with you.
- Exit strategy: “I'm just not good enough for you. You're very special, but you're better off without me.”
The hipster
- How to spot her: She almost always has a pixie haircut, large-framed glasses, vintage retro chic outfits, tattoos, and a fondness for indie music. They try really, really hard to be different, but it's funny how they all look exactly the same.
- Where to find her: Clubs that feature bands you've never heard of, thrift stores, coffee shops, or waiting tables in the most up-and-coming of all the neighborhoods in any given city.
- Pluses: The hipster is always trying to live outside of the mainstream, so for her sleeping around is an act of rebellion, which means she always has one foot on the mattress. She learned all her best moves from watching porn (“ironically” she claims) so she gives the best head in town.
- Minuses: You'll have to look past her sneer – and her daddy issues.
- How to land her: The only way to get her is to be judged cool enough. Nod and pretend you know what she's talking about when she makes obscure pop cultural references. If you have a corporate job, don't bring it up. Any whiff of the establishment and she'll be running for the door. Also, it helps if you have facial hair – the odder the configuration the better.
- Exit strategy: “I'm off to Mansion 27.”
